thanksgiving

Sometimes we are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all...
I've been 21 for 24 days now and things started happening about 35 days ago. You do the math.
I can't question God's timing on anything, because He knows exactly what He's doing. I have been discouraged, hurt, humiliated, scared, angry, happy, excited, hopeful, and motivated. God is teaching me so much right now and its hard to keep up. I suppose most of it I will store in memory (until its day of use), while other things I will live out. One of the things I've learned is how to cope. I can cope through times of sharing/venting, because in this people have either found blessings or I have found encouragement. I have to remember that sometimes God speaks through His people...
The other day while venting to a friend about this whole past month's events. I realized how foolish I had been. I was beginning to get upset with myself again, because I was letting Satan's words wear on me. The feelings of humiliation hadn't become a share in the passion of Christ, but were becoming callouses on my heart, because I let them. I was mad that I kept telling people, "I know it will be ok", when I myself didn't really know...
The last bit of hope lay on my night stand under my lamp. A book, the Bible. I picked it up stared at it, and said 'maybe later', 'not right now'. I continued my days doing this, letting the feelings of hopelessness fester. My prayers were prayers that cared for everything else except myself. God protect him, be with her, love her, bless him, help them... Never, 'God, fix my heart'. My friend made me realize how much I've relied on myself to take others problems in my hands, how much I like to control, and be involved; all valuable characteristics of God. BUT I'm Heather, not God (obviously). I can't mend a broken heart, I can't control circumstances or time, and I can't become involved with people or situations I decide I want to become involved with. At least not with out my Jesus' leading me and my heart surrendered fully to His. With His words and grace upon me, He can work, He can mend, and He can control. None of this can be done with my two hands, but with God's hands working through me. Like I said He's teaching me, I still don't know exactly whats going on, and honestly I don't really want to know. The more I know the more I want to control, so its best to let God be my Provider and Leader. Its in Him that I find myself complete and in Him where I lay my troubles.
I'm so Blessed to have an amazing family that is there for me, that cares, that are Christ followers. I'm Blessed to have friends that are striving to live in Biblical community, and to love as Christ did. I'm Blessed to have a job that allows me to be surrounded by believers and non-believers, where I'm able to utilize the gifts that God has given me. I'm so thankful that God has allowed me to mess up over and over again, just to show that He is all powerful and in complete control. With friends afar I'm thankful that they are doing the Lords work, that I get to pray for them daily and know that my savior's words are spilling out of them. I'm in awe of God's timing, because He's NEVER led me wrong.
Thank you Emilee, my friend and sister, for being an encouragement to me. God has used you and will continue to use you to disciple, lead, love, worship and listen.
I finally did pick up my Bible after about a week. (Phew!). I was holding out on myself, I read Job and let the words resonate in my heart. God the Creator of everything, loving me since the beginning, and holding me all the time.