Sweet Sustaining Grace

Not until the work in hand has failed and we are despised and rejected shall we begin to discern the intent of our heart. -Watchman Nee

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By the sweet grace of God I know Christ and claim Him as my testimony and reason for living. After sharing my testimony with a mentor, she put my testimony in a nutshell saying, “Your salvation has been sustained by the grace and mercy of a faithful and loving God." Finally... here's my story, in writing for all to see.

Tilling the Soil:

 

I was six years old when God awakened my soul to the Truth. I’m one of four daughters of very busy and loving parents. At five years old, my parents stopped going to “big church” and resorted to cleaning and catching up with weekly chores on Sundays. Because my parents were busy, my grandparents did most of the biblical upbringing. While my parents took care of house chores, my sisters and I joined my grandparents in Sunday morning bible study. We memorized scripture, worshiped, and were fed the living Word of God. I was a cynical child that feared my own skepticism wondering about things I knew “I should know by faith.” As I began to understand the weight of the Law I recognized there was much sin in my life. I would take money from my parents, dishonor them, covet my sister’s things, and not love others, much less, love God as much as I knew I should or thought I should. I saw homeless people on the street, abandoned dogs, sicknesses, and murder on the news. These things upset me gravely. As an adult I can look back and understand my skepticism for I was only a child who saw the product of sin. I needed a savior. My Grandma often talked about faith and told us Jesus was the only way to Heaven. I stepped out in faith knowing that God would change my life...

As years went by and the death of my grandparents passed, my family found a church to plug into. I was baptized there December 30, 2001. There I grew in faith, but still had many questions. Our pastor did a great job to sheppard us and answered many of those questions, but my skeptic mind kept haunting me questioning my salvation and my God. I knew there had to be more to this life and especially a life lived in Christ.

Planting the Seed:

My first year of college was a blow to the gut. I came from popularity, many friends, and a very structured life. All of these things were ripped from me as I began schooling at a junior college. My older sister and I moved out of my parent's house in early fall of 2007. I had no friends and I figured that going to a new school would provide me with the opportunity to make friends. That opportunity did not come. I found myself with everything a college freshman could want: a good paying job to afford rent, scholarships, good grades, my own car--but none of them satisfied me.

My little sister was very strong in her faith and encouraged me all the time. She would point to the cross and I would get upset for her 'lack of compassion'. Little did I know, she had nothing but compassion. I remember one evening sitting in my room complaining about life and all these insignificant struggles. I told her I was depressed because I had no friends, no purpose and I knew there had to be more, but I settled. She encouraged me, reminding me of what Christ did for me on the cross long ago. I wanted to argue but my heart could not deny the deafening cry for my Creator. He was the only one who could satisfy me. The only one who could bring me purpose.

By grace, God had brought me a friend, two in fact. One was a little worldlier, but knew Christ and the other was a complete opposite of my very being, but shared Christ in common. My worldlier friend encouraged me to break free of physical chains I had put on myself. There were qualities in her I aspired to be like. She was goal-oriented, smart funny, loving, and was 'going places.' On a similar parallel I wanted that, but desired a different destination that I didn't understand. My bipolar opposite friend wanted a husband, kids, to finish school and to grow closer to the Lord. She challenged me with things I couldn't find in my heart. Somehow God used both of those friends to lead me to a college ministry. The college ministry, called Segue, was the door to my resurrection. The apostle-like leader from Austin, Texas bent my brain in half. My skeptic mind was brought to light and revealed sins and doubt that had once fogged my eyes from seeing Christ in His glory. I was living in sin and it wasn't physical chains that held me down, it was Spiritual chains heavy and immobile. Seeing Christ in power arising from the grave He walked to me and broke those chains. I began running towards Him, never looking back.

Bearing the Fruit:

After Christ broke my chains with His body, I knew my life would never be the same. My heart desired to know everything about Him. I wanted to be like Him. This has been the most joyful and heartbreaking part of the whole process. The more I know who He is, the more I realize how far I've truly fallen. I have been justified and the journey now is sanctification. Being the skeptic I was has proven to be advancement in the Kingdom, in some sense. I first set out on an an apologetic craze, reading Lee Strobel and Ralph Muncaster's atheist testimonies. Through the apologetic ministry I was able to share the gospel with my atheist professor and began to see that God intended to use me in ministering to atheists and calloused hearts that need concrete Truth.

Not only that, but since my junior year in high school, I knew what I was going to do. With my life-plan in my hand, I marched forward to God and presented it to Him. I realized later that, this was not how God worked. My four year plan turned into a blank page and as I approached this time, humble and courageous I knew God would wreck my life. I embraced it. I would no longer author my life, but wait as God wrote the story, that was His to begin with. Knowing He was my author I began to feel even more challenged. I had changed degrees, changed schools, changed plans and now my heart beats with a new passion. I was an overflowing basket case and after resisting years of the call to leadership, I took up my cross and followed Him straight into the lion's mouth. I led a bible study on Francis Chan's Crazy Love, where God echoed volumes to me about another call I still wasn't quite sure of. I moved that call to the back burner, fearing this call would bring more suffering, and completely denied its joy...

I still struggle to understand, that as a new creation, I'm no longer of this world. Trying to please this world leaves me serving two masters. The world is crying out in brokenness and I feel like a stranger to it, but also a distant cousin. I'm an alien in my own generation. Even knowledge deceives me.

As for the out pour of grace and fruit bearing: I love to serve with my physical being (hands and feet), but more than anything I love to serve the Spiritual being (with the nourishing Word). That resistance to leadership (written above) became a call to teaching and that call to teaching became a heart for ministry and the heart for ministry produced a call to missions.

Romans 8 has been my joy filled vision and Romans 12 has been my unrelenting call. The back burner stuff has been simmering and now smells of savory goodness. I want to taste this call to missions, because Jesus has assured me its good. I’m never sure what it looks like, but His word has proven true and the American dream seems far less appealing than the missionary life to follow Christ. There is a love I cannot deny and it beckons me from the wilderness calling me to approach as the King’s princess warrior. I will take up the full armor of God and go forward, for it is Grace that paves the way to His Kingdom and the victory is His.

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Verses attributed: Romans 3:23, Romans 6:23, Ephesians 2:8-9, John 14:6, Ephesians 6:10-12, Romans 12:1-2, Acts 1:8, Jeremiah 1, Psalm 1, Luke 9:23, 2 Tim 1:7, 1 Thessalonians 2:8, 2 Timothy 4:2