Helpless No More

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I am trying to understand

How to walk this weary land

Make straight the paths that crookedly lie

Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

I can still see it in my head. I can feel it. Monday morning, January 25, was like all the other mornings. I keep re-playing it in my mind trying to figure out if there was something that was out of place… but nothing. In fact it was the start to my ‘normal’ day. Little did I know that in about 12 minutes from closing the door to the apartment would I be standing on the highway near the barrier screaming and crying to my Savior; with traffic passing by slowly, emergency vehicles flooding the highway, and me looking at yet another broken car.

I have no desire to tell you some cool story of survival. All I can tell you is that God was holding me very close and in a moment I looked what could have been ‘death of the flesh’ in the face, I had a peace and thought to myself “this could be it”. I know some who read this will think, I’m dramatic, and I am. But I am also very passionate about my Jesus and my decision to follow Him daily. Therefore He teaches me even in events like this that He is my purpose of living…

Surely I am very thankful to Him for allowing this wreck to happen and for putting my life into perspective. First off, I want to say that this wreck was completely out of my hands. I had no control over my vehicle or the vehicle that almost hit me. No control. So my first question when dwelling on the wreck was ‘had I ever given complete control to God’ like I had in the wreck? Like really, COMPLETE control? Because the feeling I felt when the car was sliding across the highway was one of peace and one of helplessness. Most certainly that was not the feeling I would carry every day. For the most part I carry a peace everyday, but helplessness, not so much. Take a second to think about that word help-less. The definition of help is relief and less is inferior or smaller. Helpless means incapable or incompetent. Strangely enough, this idea of helplessness made me think of one thing. Jesus. Before the cross I was helpless, and by the cross I was relieved! So helpless is a word that should be in my dictionary daily. I need Him, because honestly I am always at the mercy of God and His beautiful plan. So I realized it was completely ok to feel like I had no control, because the thing is God does! In that moment I depended on Him, and even though I was sliding about 60-65 mph towards a guard rail I knew that He was in control and whatever be the outcome I was at peace.

None of that is to say that I am incapable of carrying on with life in general. It’s to say that this life is a vapor and every breath is a gift from God. Helplessness is a beautiful word. It shows Gods mighty power over us and that Jesus is a ferocious Savior who stands in on my behalf to save me from death.

One other thing I thought about, and I’m sure (as I laugh) that God will continue to speak to me through this wreck, is that I did choose life. As a college student with big ambitions, a job, and a ‘to-do list’ every day, I most certainly do speed through life. Going through the motions is easy. I can make every day a routine if I so choose. I could do insincere ‘quiet-times’ and say ‘hello’ and ‘how are you’ with out caring. It’s easy. I could also choose to cheat on a test, have lustful thoughts, lie, dishonor my parents, indulge in food, fascinate over materialism… If I so choose to. How does this relate to my wreck? Well, in perspective I chose to live. You see, when the truck merged on the highway, I could have simply let it hit me. Odds are that truck 3 times in size would have easily trampled my little car. I chose to swerve though so that it wouldn’t hit me, therefore losing control. I’ve thought about the outcomes a million different ways and again and again I think about how God so badly wants EVERYONE to choose Him to choose Life. After dwelling on the thought, I had to look up the verse I had once crossed when a friend of mine long ago told me he had thought about suicide. Deuteronomy 30:19-20:

I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Therefore choose life, that you and your offspring may live, loving the Lord your God, obeying his voice and holding fast to him, for he is your life and length of days, that you may dwell in the land that the Lord swore to your fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, to give them.

The thing is, when I do take control, that’s usually when I crash… metaphorically speaking. You may notice that I have not called the wreck an accident, and I keep trying desperately NOT to say that word, because it was not an accident! Whether Satan was trying to get my spirits down and attack me, or God was telling me to slow down and let Him take control, I’m blessed. I highly encourage you to read Psalm 33, but one verse that comforts me is verse 20, “Our soul waits for the Lord; he is our help and our shield”.

Lastly, the song that played before the wreck was JJ Heller’s “Your Hands”. I just remember that so well, and it was like God was telling me that no matter what would happen in this world, things like Haiti and car wrecks. We never leave His hands, He's always in control, and I am helpless no more.

When my world is shaking

Heaven Stands

When my world is shaking

I never leave your hands

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